Here in my Professional Development in Psychology class, my professor is talking about reinventing yourself on a regular basis. This is something I get the urge to do… but something else is stopping me. This entry is devoted to finding what that is. I hope you injoy enjoy this essay.
When I start to imagine who I want to be ideally, I imagine people claiming that I’m copying others. I imagine myself becoming another cookie cutter in the Denton socialscape.
Ideas are being spoken in class. They’re coming toward me. They’re hitting my ears and funneling into my brain, but this melting force says, “Eventually, you have to stop learning. Eventually, you have to stop at one point.”
What an insane thought. No wonder I’m continually writhing. It’s an impossible requirement, to find one state of being and hold it constantly, all the time, unchanging… and why? To what end? I’m not even sure what it could mean to hold one state forever. And yet I feel this constant pushing down to not change, not change, not change. Am I a point at which all forces lean? If I changed, would the beams of existence come crashing down? I don’t think so.
Steven’s words from Seattle resound: “You tend to heap way too much responsibility on yourself, more than is fair.”
How do I want to change anyway?
I want to be more open. I want to show myself to people instead of living within a construct. I want to be bubbling up from within myself, outward. Ideas! Kindness! Value of life! Beauty…
The other change-stopper I find is embarrassment. Preservation of my outer-image, eliminating any possibility of another person judging me or laughing at me, is the apex of my endeavors. I shrink in disgust from associating with this belief, and yet it has taken such pervasive root in my character.
I guess I forgot to mention that my mom came to Denton last weekend…
labile 
haha!
bossin’ and bossin’