Leaving for work soon July 19, 2008

I’m going to try to savor the next fifteen minutes or so.

Things About Which I’m Embarrassed July 17, 2008

–My body.  It seems like when people see me, I must look scrawny or fat or ugly or something…

–Making any kind of strong stand.  As soon as I latch onto any one solid thing, an opinion, a physical stance, a preference, a belief, I imagine all the ways in which it could be wrong.  Even if it’s something silly, trivial, small, or stupid, it undermines everything.

 

People, in my mind, have way too much power over me.  It’s no wonder that I would feel waves of intense anger and wanting to dominate everyone around me by hurting them and putting them down, making them feel worthless.   I’ve currently set up that structure in my view of the world, and I put myself at the bottom of it.  I don’t seem to place any value on my happiness…. and I don’t require a lot to be happy, so it’s not like it would be some kind of huge, spoiled indulgence to feel okay. 

–My sanity.  I’m embarrassed by the fact that I get so deeply bothered by things, that I can’t seem to deal with life… I just stand in awe of my intense emotions and the exchanges of humans and all the layers within them.  I feel like I have to deal with each layer and each component within the layers one by one, and I just get overwhelmed.  There’s too much.  Everything is going too fast. 

I get embarrassed because guys will call me one of those crazy girls, and I’ll go down in history as one of those faceless nuts where they just shake their head and say, “She was crazy.  I’m so glad you’re not…”

I’m embarrassed because for a long time I was so stable, so independent, so capable when I was young and actually it didn’t even MATTER that much, the world ran along smoothly without me, but now I feel like someone has removed my bones and I’m still trying to stand, and now it does matter because I’m supposed to be an adult.  I want to explain to people, “You don’t understand.  I wasn’t one of those girls.  I knew who I was.  I didn’t follow trends.  I didn’t go in for all that drama bullshit.  I wasn’t like this!  Please don’t write me off!”

 

And I suppose I’m writing these things, because I desperately want someone to know them.  I’ll be a little less misunderstood, even if it’s by someone whom I’ll never meet.  But really, if I understand myself, then the opinions of other people don’t matter… I guess I just wonder sometimes, I wonder if my true self is getting across at all.

July 16, 2008

It’s a pretty natural action to shut out that which causes you pain.

July 16, 2008

I got accepted to Texas Women’s University today.  Surprise! Well, no, but mildly relieving affirmation of my Autumn plans.  Not much else to say.  I ate Chipotle for the first time today… it was remarkably flavorful.  I visited Annie and Lisa at like 11 at night.  I felt like I mostly stared at them from a cocoon.  At least it’s nice to be around people and let it tug at the binding threads, similar to my self-social-acclamation in 4th grade.

 

That brings to mind people saying, “Shouldn’t you be acting older than that by nowww?”  But then what kind of fool would I be to forget my past?

 

It seems like everything in my life has fallen prey to this horrible thing inside me, and I don’t know how to explain to people that it’s not me… or maybe it is me, with ill coping…

When You See the Cusp of Changing Circumstance July 14, 2008

We clambered into your car

and I watched you and let you talk about plans

And I smiled, a little crookedly, to humor you,

but behind those teeth were sadness, weariness, blue,

because I know those plans will come to nothing.

Because I know, promises hatch from your mouth and their ghosts break in my lap,

and I smile, but I look down at the print of my skirt, forgiving you now for what you will do.

Should I tell you what I see, or would that speed the perishing?

Eh, you’ll get there eventually, and since I never believed you, I won’t be hurt.

Anxiety July 14, 2008

I didn’t write this.  I got it from the Denton Regional Hospital website:

 

Anxiety is a normal state of dread, tension, and unease. It is considered a normal response to stress or uncertain situations. Prolonged or intense periods of anxiety may suggest an anxiety disorder. A disorder may also be indicated if:

• Anxiety occurs without an external threat (“free-floating” anxiety)
• Anxiety impairs daily functioning

The most common types of anxiety disorders are:

 

• Phobias
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Panic disorder
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder
• Social anxiety disorder
• Generalized anxiety disorder

Anxiety is often complicated by the presence of alcohol or drug abuse and depression.

 

 

Causes

Anxiety may result from many factors including:

• Appropriate response under stressful circumstances
• Drugs that affect the nervous system, such as:
  • Caffeine
  • Alcohol
  • Cocaine
  • Nicotine
  • Amphetamines (eg, “crystal meth”)
  • Some herbal medications
• Biological factors:
  • Brain chemistry imbalances (eg, serotonin and norepinephrine)
  • Personality traits
• Faulty perceptions and irrational beliefs (eg, phobias)
• Unresolved emotional conflicts

 

 

Risk Factors

A risk factor increases your chance of getting a disease or condition. Risk factors for anxiety include:

• Sex: female
• Family member with anxiety disorders
• Stressful life events
• Ineffective coping strategies
• History of physical or psychological trauma

 

 

Symptoms

Psychological symptoms may include:

• Worry or dread
• Obsessive or intrusive thoughts
• Sense of imminent danger or catastrophe
• Fear or panic
• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Impatience
• Ambivalence
• Trouble concentrating

 

Physical symptoms may include:

• Rapid or irregular heartbeat
• Sweating, especially the palms
• Dry mouth
• Flushing or blushing
• Muscle tension
• Shortness of breath
• Lightheadedness or faintness
• Difficulty sleeping
• Shaking
• Choking sensation
• Frequent urination
• Nausea or vomiting
• Diarrhea
• Constipation
• Feeling of “butterflies” in the stomach
• Sexual difficulties
• Tingling sensations
• Nail biting or other habitual behavior

July 14, 2008

Kinda happier

Thought you might like to know

Whoever is reading this

Bleh July 13, 2008

Then again, I take things too personally.

 

I might be bored right now.  That’s not a good sign.  But I wouldn’t like entertainment, I’d like a purpose. 

Jeez, this is depressing.

Alien July 13, 2008

Thinking about the power of words. and the importance of silence.

 

“My roommate”.  I’m not even a “friend”.  Thanks a lot.  Then again, I haven’t been acting like a friend.  Then again, I’m torn between wanting to hang out and MAIM.  Turning in circles to hide everything.

When he talks on the phone to his friends, he sounds SO ARROGANT.  What a tool.  What a tool!  But maybe not.

 

Must I swing drastically back and forth between favor and hatred?  The truth (about people) is actually: them sitting in a room at a table with light falling across their features: there are dark caves and furrows and light brows and bright planes of skin hair teeth eyes and a soul inside, which animates this collection of oddly very real, tangible… parts.  You poke them and your finger doesn’t pass through.  People are mixtures, good and bad.  Yaaaay and ohmygodSHUTUP.

 

I’ve recognized patterns in the world, but I feel different from other people in my perception of things.  Like I look at my own body in the mirror and I feel like I know every pore, freckle, and angle because I’ve seen my body my entire life, but at the same time I feel removed and distant, foreign.  I think the situation is “unaccepting”.  “Denial”.  In seventh grade, I went through a similar dilemma… and I guess I feel a little retarded to be passing through it again.

 

I did, however, have a realization last night that I am experiencing distress and unsettlement, but that they are very normal conditions of the human experience.  This made me feel a smidgen more within life rather than an outsider.  In other words, it would be like my brain said to me, “Hey, who hasn’t felt that way?”

 

I still feel a little like an alien.  Somehow the magnitude of all my experiences of the past few years hits me way too hard.  I can’t process it.  Is this the hang-up in my life and decision-making right now?

Driving from Dallas to Denton July 12, 2008

We closed up early tonight, and while I had planned to spend the night at my uncle’s loft to avoid driving to work tomorrow evening, I decided I wanted to sleep in my own bed.  Lying on a mattress on the floor in the dark makes one feel pretty lonely.  Which reminds me of that book, A Child Called “It” , about the mother who monstrously abused one of her sons, how he had to sleep in the basement or under the table, no covers, isolated from everyone else… just sleeping in a friendly, unfamiliar place in the dark brings me down, so I can only imagine the effect of his banishment.

 

I listened to Beethoven in the car.  Lately, there are too many words in my head, so I don’t want any more in my music.

 

There’s an awkward sign on the front of a building on I-35 that says “BEDROOMS TO LOVE & SOFAS”.  It’s like the sofas are shunned.  Or they were poorly ordered, but gotta sell ‘em anyway.  Neon paisley scratchy wool, ouch.

 

Feelings do count.  I’m not used to seeing them as important even though they pervade my consciousness and guide my actions.  Wow.  Let’s give them some attention.

 

“Piazza, New York Catcher” (and most Belle & Sebastian songs) are great examples of how you can use very simple chords and even common chord progressions but make a great song with creative and interesting melody.